


Lost in space

by m_findlow



Category: Torchwood
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-14 22:54:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28803144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/m_findlow/pseuds/m_findlow
Summary: On All Hallows Eve, the dead return.
Relationships: Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones
Kudos: 11
Collections: fic_promptly Fills 2016





	Lost in space

Gwen was staring out the front of the SUV's window, and trying not to look directly at Jack. They'd been down at the costume shop this morning picking up their respective outfits for Halloween, only Jack had decided he couldn't wait until the evening and had donned his in the shop, walking out in a very well fitted Superman costume. A little too fitted if Gwen was honest.

Jack was loving his new suit. The lycra was stretchy and comfortable in all the right places. The boots were amazing, so fitted and cosy, and the cape, oh, he'd have fun with that. He'd almost give up his regular kit every day if it were not for the fact that as comfortable as it was, it wouldn't be particularly warm. Perhaps he could convince the others that this sort of thing would be okay for "just around the hub" wear.

'I thought you and Ianto were going as Batman and Robin?' Gwen said.

'No, Ianto thought we were going as Batman and Robin. I told him it would look silly if I went as Robin and he got all upset. I mean, come on, it's obvious that I should be Batman. Ianto is naturally shorter and slimmer than I am. It makes sense. Even with the pointed ears he'd still be shorter than me. We'd look ridiculous. And they'd never find a Robin costume that would fit me anyway.'

'Getting fat in your old age?' Gwen teased.

'Not fat, toned,' Jack corrected her. 'Robin was never meant to have this stunning physique.'

'So, what happened?'

Jack sighed. 'He got mad. Told me Batman had been saving Gotham for years without help and stormed off.'

'You know, Jack, just once it might have been nice if you'd let him play the dashing hero instead of the dutiful sidekick.'

'Dutiful sidekick?' Jack laughed. 'Are we talking about the same Ianto Jones? You've clearly never seen him in bed. Rrrrroooowwwwrrr!' Jack growled.

Gwen was trying hard not to blush when she spotted the man huddled on the edge of the road. 'What's that?' she said pointing.

'Homeless guy?' Jack suggested, peering through the window at the sad figure sat in the gutter.

'Pull over,' she said.

As they hopped out of the SUV, they got a clearer look at the man. He was dressed in dirty rags, head in his hands. It was only when he lifted his head at the sound of the car doors slamming that Gwen and Jack caught sight of his face, one eye missing and half his cheek peeling away from his face.

'Urgh,' Gwen muttered.

'A little early for trick or treating, isn't it?' Jack replied.

'Look who's talking, Superman.'

'You okay, pal?' Jack asked.

'No,' the man sobbed, bloody tears spilling down his face. Jack pulled out his handkerchief and gave it to the man, sitting down beside him. Gwen kept a safe distance, still unsure. He didn't look all that dangerous, but his appearance was enough to put her on alert.

'Why don't you tell us what's wrong. Maybe we can help.'

'I don't know how. No one else has,' he blubbered.

'What's your name, pet?' Gwen asked.

'Ned.'

'Hello, Ned. I'm Gwen and this is Jack.'

'Hello, Gwen,' he sniffled. He handed Jack back the handkerchief, now sodden and bloody.

'Keep it,' Jack said. 'You said you needed help?' he asked.

'My transport. It's broken down, and I can't fix it. I've been wandering the streets for hours trying to ask people if they know where I can get a spare electro transfer clip, and they just give me this,' he said thrusting out the plastic pumpkin full of chocolate and candy. 'I tried to get back to my transport, but I've been wandering so long now I don't know where I am anymore.'

'We could give you a lift home,' Gwen said helpfully. 'Where are you from?'

'Zork,' Ned replied.

'Zork?' Gwen repeated, giving Jack a look that said he must be on drugs.

'Sorry, did you say electro transfer clip?' Jack asked, ignoring Gwen's question for the moment.

'I've got a wife and three undead at home wondering where I've gotten to.' Ned began sobbing again. 'They'll be sending the zolice out looking for me and I'm stuck here, with no way for them to find me.'

Jack looked at Ned again, noticing that there was a maggot sleeping in his ear, and that his forearm was eaten away to the bone in one spot, but that he wasn't bleeding. 'Hang on, are you a zombie?'

'Of course I'm a zombie,' Ned simpered. 'What were you expecting?'

Yes! Jack thought. Real zombies at last! It wasn't just Halloween, it was Christmas too! Oh, he couldn't wait to tell Ianto and finally put their debate to rest. 'It's a real pleasure to meet you, Ned,' Jack said, shaking his hand enthusiastically, 'and yes, we're going to do whatever we can to help you get home.'

'Really?'

'Really,' Jack promised. 'Now where's this transport of yours?'

It took a bit of aimless wandering the streets until Ned spotted a familiar row of houses, where he'd first gone seeking assistance, but eventually he backtracked his way to where he'd landed. It was rather fortuitous that he'd fallen through the rift and landed in the middle of a shopping centre carpark. His transport even looked a little bit like a car if you didn't look at it too hard.

'Nice wheels,' Jack said, inspecting the transport. 'Very retro.'

'It's a zini zinor. A bit dated now, but with three undead we don't have a lot of spare currency.'

Jack popped open the side panel and consulted the twisting mechanics, before sliding underneath the transport to get a look at the hyper drive. 'The flux circuit is fried,' he said.

'Yes,' Ned agreed. 'That's why I was trying to get an electro transfer clip.'

'Do we have any of those at the hub?' Gwen asked, having no idea what one was or what it looked like.

'Not that I know of,' Jack said, dusting himself off. 'But I think we can improvise.' He went over to the SUV and opened the passenger side door, flipping open the glove compartment, and began pulling out the contents, spilling them onto the seat. 'There's gotta be one in here,' he muttered, hand trawling through the varied contents of their overly large storage compartment. It held all sorts of knick knacks and was a popular dumping field for anything and everything. Even Ianto had given up trying to keep it clean and ordered, especially since the items inside often came in handy at the most odd times.

'What are you looking for Jack?'

'A bulldog clip. But I can't find one.'

'Uh, you might want to try over there,' she said, pointing to the shopping centre doorway.

He grinned. 'Be right back.'

'So, you're a real zombie?' Gwen asked.

'Are there any other kind?' Ned asked.

She supposed not. 'Hell of a day to land here, though, on Halloween.'

'I don't understand,' Ned said, looking confused.

'Halloween, it's a once a year celebration of the dead. People dress up in scary costumes and go trick or treating.'

'Trick or treating?'

'They knock on doors and ask for treats, lollies and candy, and if you don't give them a treat, they're supposed to play a trick on you, but no one ever does, really. We call it Calan Gaeaf. It's been tradition for hundreds of years.'

'Is that why everyone kept giving me these?' he said, still clutching the pumpkin full of sweets.

'Yeah, they must have thought your costume was pretty good,' she said, smiling.

'I'm not wearing a costume, though.'

'No,' Gwen agreed.

'Your world is very strange,' Ned said.

'It is. So, what do zombies do where you're from?'

'Nothing exciting. I work at a plant that manufacturers rubber that goes on interstellar hover ships. I was on my commute home when the flux drive conked out.'

'And where do zombies come from?'

'From zombie babies, of course. My youngest, she's got the cutest little ragged ear you've ever seen. Almost completely detached. Would you like to see a photo?'

'Sure,' Gwen replied, thinking it rude to say no after everything the poor fellow had been through.

'Here they are,' he said pulling out his wallet. 'That's Emily, Dean in the middle, he's the eldest, and Rory on the left, and behind them is my lovely wife Gloria.'

'Oh, they're lovely,' Gwen said, all the while thinking they were about the most hideous children she'd ever seen, not to mention his wife, which perhaps was the highest compliment she could pay him. 'Very gruesome.'

Ned beamed, his one eye boggling around slightly with the expression.

As much as he'd been loving his new suit, Jack quickly realised it was impractical. For starters, there was nowhere he could put his wallet, keys, phone or gun, something he'd only realised about five seconds after he'd entered the newsagents and put the box of clips on the counter. Fortunately, his costume did garner enough attention so early in the day that he was quickly able to busk his way two pounds to the good, returning to pay for the items.

'What took you so long?' Gwen asked, arms folded, looking impatient.

'You don't wanna know,' he said, deciding not to tell her about the fourteen selfies he'd stopped to pose for. No doubt they'd be on Instagram by now. A little early present for Ianto back at the hub, which their computers would no doubt have flagged for his attention.

Jack opened up the box of clips, pulling a large one out. 'This ought to do the trick,' he said brandishing it. 'All we needed was something to close the gap in the melted circuit.'

'Are you sure that's going to work?' Gwen said, looking skeptical.

'I've been jury rigging ships since before your grandmother was born,' Jack replied. He reached into the inner workings of the drive and slotted the clip in place, hearing the engine begin to purr back into action.

'You did it!' Ned cried. 'Thank you so much.'

'No trouble,' Jack replied. 'Here, keep the rest of the box. Never know when you might need another one.'

Ned clutched the box like it was full of priceless jewels. 'I couldn't. These must have cost you a fortune.'

'No problem,' Jack said, 'all part of the service. Spare parts for old classics like this are hard to come by,' he said, patting the zini zinor lovingly. 'We just happen to have a surplus. Just remember to set your speed vector to four nine two. The rift is a little bit temperamental on a standard six eight five vector.'

'Well, thank you,' Ned gushed. 'Please take these as payment,' he said, proferring the container full of sweets. Jack gratefully accepted, scoffing a scorched almond.

As the zini zinor glimmered out of existence in the middle of a Grangetown car park, Gwen looked across at Jack.

'Superman saves the day again?'

'Always. And I am loving this cape! 'he said, swishing it about dramatically.

'Well, I think that's us done for the day. Time to go and celebrate the dead, I think.'

'And the undead,' Jack added.

He dropped her off at home and proceeded to the hub, Ianto's own costume still in the back of the car.

'And where do you think you've been all day?' Ianto huffed, arms folded, tapping his foot.

'Saving the world,' Jack replied.

'Yes, I can see that,' he said, pulling his phone from his pocket and flicking through the photos.

'Saving Terry from Newport, Jackie from Swindon, and twins Betsy and Becky from Pontypridd,' showing him the last image with both girls getting up very close and personal. He even remembered them telling him all about how they were planning on going out tonight as Betsy Boop and Boris Becky.

'I've been doing other stuff too. In fact we helped fix a car for a zombie who got stranded here from the planet Zork. Oh, you should have seen it Ianto, a real zombie.'

'Uh huh,' he said deadpan.

'No, I'm serious, he was a real zombie.'

'There's no such thing as zombies. How many times do I have to tell you?'

'I swear to God, ask Gwen if you don't believe me.'

'Is that my costume?' he said, pointing to the black suit bag lying over Jack's arm.

'It was real!' Jack insisted.

'Yup,' Ianto said, pulling the bag from his grasp. 'You don't have to make up ridiculous stories just because you refused to go as Robin. At least one of us can be grown up about this.'

'But,' Jack stuttered, watching Ianto turn away.

'Zombies, honestly,' he heard Ianto mutter as he stalked off to get changed.


End file.
